Today I took my toddlers for their first walk on leashes, while I wore yoga pants and no makeup. I was that mom.
I wasn't one of those kids who always knew she would be a mom. To be honest, I thought more about getting married and having a career. It wasn't until I couldn't have children that I realized how much I really wanted them. And once I had them, I realized that having kids also means you have to BE a mom.
We live in a culture where momhood is an identity. I don't think it was ever meant to be tied that strongly with our meaning or value or purpose in life. Yet, being a mom defines you. It changes you in so many ways that you (or at least I) could never have imagined before.
And sometimes I resist it on a daily basis.
I have become that mom that I thought I would never be...
I never thought I would have to rush out of the house without having the time to put myself together. because putting shoes and socks on toddlers is such a battle.
I never thought I would trade in hip jeans for yoga pants because, let's face it, when you're chasing around toddlers all day, you HAVE to be comfortable.
I never thought I would spend my mealtimes cutting up food, blowing on food that's too hot, picking up food off of the ground, getting up to get another spoon, getting up to get a cloth, cutting up more food, all while trying to inhale my own food before it gets so cold.
I never thought I would deal with pee soaked clothes, poop on the floor from a diaper that has been taken off prematurely, puke on the floor from a sick kid, and snot wiped all over my shoulder... all on the same day!
I never thought that I would find it difficult to find ANY time to do something I love because my only "free" time happens when the kids are sleeping. And the hour and a half nap time is spent cleaning the house and preparing dinner, and once they're in bed it's spent cleaning up the house and preparing for the day ahead. And that leaves only maybe hour to crash on the house completely brain-dead before crawling into bed at 9:30 in order to be able to get up and start it all over again.
I never thought I would lose my patience so easily, come to the end of my wits so quickly, and be tested on a daily basis by two little beings who can't even put on their own socks.
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Now if this was a blog on Huffington post, this would be the part of the story where I tell you all the other things that I have gained in exchange, and how it's all worth it and I wouldn't trade it for the world...
It's not that that is not true.
But what is also true is how being a mom has humbled me. That there are times that I don't like having to give up my rights. There are times that I do these things while kicking and screaming on the inside. And sometimes that inside voice comes out to someone like my husband, and I'm ashamed of it.
Today was one of those days. As I walked down the street holding boys on leashes, wearing yoga pants and no makeup, I maybe cried a little on the inside...
Knowing, at the same time, that if I could change it... I really wouldn't want to. Because I do love my two little rascals more than I ever knew I could.